Where's My Christmas Spirit?

Warning: This post contains, in part, the appearance of complaining, whining, venting, guilty feelings, and other crazy nonsense. Read at your own risk.


I have to admit that I've been having a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit this year. On a day to day basis I don't think I'm feeling completely overloaded. However, my actions might speak differently. I have completely forgotten (a couple of things) that I had committed to being a part of. Things that I wanted to do. Things that make myself (and others) look bad, and I REALLY hate letting people down.

I finally put my Halloween and Fall decorations away just a couple of weeks ago. There is dust an inch thick where my decorations used to be and to be honest, it will likely remain that way for a while. And since I am on this honest kick, I was even OK without putting up a tree this year (despite my kids begging me, which makes me feel like a horrible mother) and finally told Tim that if he wanted a tree he would have to be in charge of it.

I didn't even start my Christmas shopping until tonight (anything that has been done, has been done by Tim up to this point). I don't feel depressed, or angry, or sad, or even stressed. I really don't know what my problem is. I just feel blah.

Yes, we've had a few curve balls thrown at us the last few months. We've obviously had Ethan's surgery and subsequent infection which has really drawn out his whole healing process. Our "reliable" vehicle has broken down TWICE in the last 2 months which has cost us an arm and a leg to fix. And then to top it off, yesterday I got a LARGE bill in the mail for Ethan's surgery which should have been covered by our insurance, but, after an hour and a half phone conversation (and several tears), I was told that we were now responsible for it (a very long and complicated story). Seriously?

Well of course I panicked and called Tim at work over this bill. But to my surprise, he remained very calm and reassured me that everything would be worked out and even if it meant that we would have to pay more than we had expected, we are OK because we still have Ethan. And not only do we still have him, he is happy and he is healthy (OK, cue the guilt).

Well to make this story quick, Tim was right. His boss was amazing and immediately got things taken care of. I get teary thinking about it because honestly, that was my "straw". That one bill is what threw me over the edge, and it didn't need to. We're fine. And like Tim told me, we would still be fine, even if things didn't go as planned.

So where is my faith? I've been shown time and time again that things work out the way they are meant to. Do we have a lot of bills? Sure. But who doesn't? Life happens. Cars break down. Hospitals want to get paid. Kids want to eat :).

Are we rolling in the dough? No. But, can we pay our bills? Yes. We have good jobs. We have 4 priceless children. We have a wonderful marriage. We have our health. We have a supportive and loving extended family. We have good friends. We have our educations. We have a nice home. We have great neighbors who care about our family. And when it all boils down, we are happy (although I am aware that it may not seem like it in this venting session of mine).

I feel strongly about showing gratitude and being aware of the things that we DO have in our lives. My list could go on and on for what I am grateful for. Honestly, I count my blessings daily. I really do.

But all of that just makes me more confused and feeling guilty. Knowing all of this, why am I so blah? Why can't I FEEL the Spirit of Christmas? Why can't I get myself in gear? I'm going through the motions but I just can't seem to get there. I don't want to make excuses for myself. Everyone has their own trials and mine, although they may be different, are no worse than anyone else's. In fact, I have it better than a lot of people out there. So why can't I get that feeling? Why?

This is the point in my post where any suggestions will be welcomed.

For what it's worth, Merry Christmas!

---Allison