Dear Ethan,
I can't believe that 2 years have already gone by. I have to admit, when I first found out I was pregnant, not only was I surprised, but I was scared. I didn't have enough faith in myself to believe I could raise another child. I was quickly humbled when I realized that both you and the Lord had enough faith in me to send me this great blessing.
I went to bed last night thinking back to when I went into labor. I remember the excitement, the anticipation. I stayed up all night enduring labor pains and anxiously waited for your arrival. I didn't want an epidural or pain medications, and because of this you came on your own schedule and didn't want to wait for the doctor to come. Luckily my nurse was very competent and did a good job in helping me deliver you. When they finally handed you to me, all I could do was cry. I remember being so excited to see you and to finally meet the little guy who came, against the odds, to join our family. You looked so healthy and strong. I instantly realized how blessed I had just become. We had no idea that anything was wrong.
When I woke up this morning, I took a few minutes to just watch you sleep. I was thinking, "in just a few minutes you will have been born". It's hard for me to put my feelings about your birth day into words. It was quite simply one of the most blessed and devastating days of my life. My heart was both lifted and broken on that day.
It was not long after you were born, you and I were finally alone in my room. I was very tired and so we took a nap together with you lying on my chest. It may sound silly, but that nap has haunted me. I cried about it for months. You see, after we got news of your diagnosis, things happened so fast. You were intubated, and then life flighted to PCMC.
We were never alone after that. There were always people around. I couldn't comfort you. I couldn't hold you anymore and I didn't know if I would ever get to hold you again. My heart ached to wonder if you even knew that I was your mother. I couldn't stand that I threw away the only moment of "normal" that we would ever share together. I sat at your bedside and wished over and over again, that I didn't take that nap. I wished I had taken the time to just hold you. To feel your warmth. To smell you. To memorize your small features. To etch your soul into mine. To simply appreciate and love everything that you were. I felt that I had wasted precious time that I would never get back.
As hard as it was, it was a lesson I needed to learn. Ever since then, I've tried to live without regrets. You've taught me to live in the moment and to appreciate all of those little things that sometimes go unnoticed.
At the time, my mommy heart was shattered. I wasn't sure if I would ever get the chance to raise you. I felt so cheated. I didn't understand why God didn't just leave well enough alone. Why didn't He just let me be happy with my other 3 children. Why would He go out of his way to send you to me only to take you away? It seemed so cruel.
Since then, I've come to a conclusion. He didn't take you away, because I think, God knows how much I need you. He knows I am too weak to do this without you. He knows that you have too much to teach me, and that takes time. So far, He has blessed our family with 2 wonderful and amazing years with you. He has blessed you with good heath, a strong spirit, a wonderful medical team, and a family who loves you and would do anything in our power to make you happy and healthy.
Although I will be forever grateful for the time we've had, I have to admit, it still scares me when I think about how long we might really have. Please don't misunderstand, I KNOW that families are forever. I KNOW that you will always be mine. But that's not enough. Not yet. I need to see you grow, to ride a bike, and learn to read. I need to hold you on your birthdays, your good days, and your bad days. I want to comfort you when a girl first breaks your already broken heart. I want to see your school programs and see you play with your friends. I need to kiss your skinned knees. I want to teach you to drive and to see you graduate.
I guess what it comes down to is, I want to be your mother for a very long time.
Ethan, you continue to make me a better person. I needed you when I didn't even know it. I am grateful everyday that the Lord sent you to me. My broken mommy heart heals everyday with the joy that you bring to it.
I hope you will always know, and feel, how very deeply you are loved. One cannot measure the amount of pure joy you bring into my life.
On your birthday, my humble and simple prayer, is that we are able to celebrate many, many, many more........together.
Happy birthday baby!
Love,
Mom
Miss Emily recently turned 8. She was very excited because this was the first year that she got to have a friend birthday party. The party she chose was very unique and as you can see in the pictures, there were no princesses to be found. Instead of pink dresses and frills she instead invited lizards, snakes, scorpions, and tarantulas. It definitely fit her spunky personality and the kids all had a blast.
Also, with turning 8, Emily chose to be baptized. She was very excited to receive her own set of scriptures. Emily is definitely one of a kind and I love her with all of my heart.
