OK, so I finally taped Ethan walking but now I can't seem how to get it from the disk to our computer. So, the truth is, you may never see it unless I can pin down Tim to see what I am doing wrong.
This last couple of weeks have been fun. Tim's brother Matt and his family came up from Texas and stayed with us for about a week. We did a lot of fun things like fishing at the fish farm (we actually did this twice), spent an afternoon at the pool, enjoyed 4th of July festivities and fireworks, and played lots of Guitar Hero. We had a great time visiting and the kids loved seeing their cousins. They just left on Monday and we already miss them.
Since then, things haven't really slowed down much. I've been trying to keep up on the house (which seems nearly impossible when the kids are out of school), and if we get at least some of the basics done, then the kids and I have been trying to do some fun things. Today we went to the dinosaur park up in Ogden and we went to see a movie on Wednesday. This week I also had to attend scout camp (I am a Webolos leader). I have to admit that initially I wasn't all that excited about it (I hate thinking about making arrangements for all 4 kids for an entire day), but it turned out to be a lot of fun when I got there.
It has been a good thing that I've been keeping busy because if not, I think I could easily find myself in a slump. My poor kids have been yelled at more this week than they have in a long time. I find myself edgy, easily irritated, tearful, and frustrated. However, before you start feeling too bad for them, you should understand that they have not been innocent bystanders. Emily and Gavin have been so naughty lately! Gavin can get away with it because he is only 3, but Emily and I have been really butting heads. She can push my buttons quicker than any of my other kids and she doesn't know when to stop. I really have a hard time deciding if it's a girl thing, if she is at a difficult age, if she simply has a strong personality, or if I am just an inept mom who doesn't know how to discipline or relate to her. Regardless, I am scared for her teenage years.
I don't think that it helps out that I've been stressed about Ethan's last echo results. He goes in next Friday for a follow up echo (not a sedated one) to see if the med changes have helped his heart function. It just has really been in the forefront of my mind that you never know the future of these little heart kiddos. We just know of a lot of these little heart babies that are struggling right now and sometimes it becomes too much to think about. I even recently read about a little HLHS girl who sailed through her 3 surgeries and was the successful "poster child" for HLHS kids. It was only a month after her 3rd surgery that she had a stroke. I can't stand that anything can happen at any time.
I've been thinking a lot lately about how I've started taking things for granted again. Our overall health has been really good and when things are not bad and right in my face, I tend to turn a blind eye and pretend that everything is OK. I don't like to constantly think about what the next day could bring. I totally fear that something will happen and I will regret the time that I wasted watching TV, cleaning, napping, or yelling at my kids. I realize that these are all normal activities in a day, but I also know how it feels to pray for just one more day with your child. I don't live up to my own promises and expectations of the days and experiences that I would enjoy knowing that our time may be limited. I can't seem to find the balance of living a "normal" life and living one with no regrets.
Anyway, I could also just be hormonal (you never can truly rule that out when you are dealing with a woman, right?) I just know that being a heart mommy is REALLY hard. I have a hard time sorting out all of the emotions (both good and bad) that have come with this unknown territory.
I am sorry that this post is so long and I appreciate any of you who have stuck with it long enough to get to this point. One of these days I will find some balance (it will happen, won't it?).
I don't want to be one of those depressing people that no one wants to be around (or read their blog), so I will end on a positive note and simply say that I love you all (really, I do!)
---Allison
